OK so the other day I got thinking about stuff one of the things I was thinking about was in fact my past crushes, it might have been because of the weekly question or not I don't know. But anyways. When I was younger mainly grade 5/6 I was bullied, I was a shy kid with hairy eyebrows, big teeth (that I didn't take good care of), and I don't know what else could be reasons. Any ways I've realized over the years that my insecurities that I have know are and were cause by being bullied, cause it does scar you for life. Like my eyebrows, someone when I was in grade five told me I had a uni-brow which made me so self-conscious. its something I struggle with i am so pale and my eyebrows are so dark and yes hairy but I have learned how to groom them (than god for youtube!) so that I've started getting compliments on them (right now as cancer Miah they are the only hair left so I'm letting them be, and so actually for the first time that I can remember I love my eyebrows.) But like eyebrows are something that I can change to make myself feel better, where as my attractiveness isn't. The bullying was traumatic, when I was in Grade 6 the entirety (or at least what felt like it) of the boy population in my elementary school bullied me, I remember standing at one point on a platform in the playground alone (my friends and I were playing a game) and a bunch of them started dancing and singing around me acting like chickens,because apparently I'm a chicken. Easily one of my worst memories. Now this was my bully year, and my bitch of a teacher did nothing about it. She had favourites in our class and me and my friends weren't it. I luckily (if that can be said) wasn't the only one of my friends being bullied and so I had them to defend me and such. I actually remember one point the boys were writing something like I love A. (my friends name all over the board, she like me was a main target) and me and another friend went up to our teacher and said OK A. doesn't like that (she was begging them to stop) can you tell them to stop and erase it. My teacher from her desk was like "OK guys A. doesn't like that can you erase it." that is not dealing with the issue. I am sorry. Any who this was also the beginning of social media, and I like many from my school spent a lot of time on MSN, and well the bullying continued there. I guess you could say I was one of the first to get cyber bullied. I was told once by a boy online that all of the boys in school voted me as one of the ugliest girls in our school. And let me tell you that stuck and too this day I still don't feel pretty. But I did realize a few years ago that my issues with how I look are because of what that ass said to me in red writing. Like I have never compared my self to other people, not to a model, not to other girls, never. So I try every day to tell my self I am beautiful or at least pretty... I'm working on sexy. It is hard now I must admit being cancer Miah with my extra puffy cheeks and bald head, so now I tell my self looks don't matter your battling something bigger. So yes right now I feel the ugliest that I have ever felt, but I am getting more confident in my new looks. So I was also thinking about the first time I asked out a boy, it was in grade 6... so yes my bullied year. I emailed him asking if he would go to the grade 6 dance with me, his reply No. I was really upset. And the next day I was tormented by hearing things like girls aren't supposed to ask out boys and why would you think he liked you, and shit like that. I guess I realized the other day that this moment which I thought I concerned when asking out my ex, the scaring from it still has yet to be concerned. In that I would actually add it to my "you aren't pretty pile" and my "boys don't like you" pile. if there is one thing I have learned is to conquer insecurities is too be confident.When I walk around and a guy and I make eye contact I do tell myself its because I'm looking good today, regardless of the fact that you always make eye contact with strangers. When I go out I dress in a way that makes me feel good about myself and so I act as confident as I possibly can. There's also humour and solutions. Par example I sweat a lot, this is something that my own personal mind doesn't like about me. So I make sure to have back up deodorant on me at all times so at least I know I'm not smelling. And if it gets disgustingly photographed (REL think of the pic from new years with the sweatie buddies) I choose to point it out and make fun of it first so no one else can. And so yeah that's what I've been thinking of lately. Just how my past has effected my future, and how I intend to stop it.
Anyway my Friday question really has nothing to do with what I wrote, cause I would never make you guys answer what are your insecurities on the Internet, it was something I wanted to share cause I also feel like if I share it it may help. My question I actually thought of while reading Lee's post about her crush and writing about mine... What ever happened to your first crush? Like as a person did they change? Have they grown into the guy that that boy would have grown into? Hopefully that helps answer the question of what ever happened to them? And if he's no longer in your life, now that we all have Facebook its easier to stalk them, and I am totally against assumptions... but make 'em! And if you can't find them or what ever I don't know you figure it out. I am so excited, already found mine and can't wait to share!!!
Ok so I'mma gonna go to bed now, in my new house!! I'm currently sleeping on my floor cause my room and furniture are a bit complicated so my bed frame isn't set up... my aunt the interior decorator is coming tomorrow to help. Yeah!
Miah
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