You know it's still weird to hear people getting back into the whole 'ugh school' mood cuz I can't really join in. Okay, well I can but it's only because I'm sad all my friends won't have as much time to hang out, or they won't have any time because they're going away for school (Rae). That's not to say that I'm not also slipping back into my pre-holiday slump where I do nothing all day every day, except I suppose I did that on the holidays too. I just actually had things to do on the holidays, like buying presents for friends and family, making plans with people who were out of town for first semester (that was nice). Now I'm back to having loads of free time but I'm not even excited about it this time around because I know how lonely I get (especially because my brother - previously my veg buddy - is going back to school) and how down I feel when left to my own devices. The most tangible reaction I've had to the open months ahead is relief. Relief that I don't have to go to school, don't have to freak out about assginments, don't have to worry about whether or not to wave at people walking down the school hallways, don't have to worry about getting a job (thanks to my parents!), don't have to worry about making new friends...just all that anxiety I used to feel constantly has been removed. I have so much more space to just be, without worrying about what other people think. It's a relief.
Something I regret not doing over the holidays is going tobogganing with friends. I used to just loooove doing that. Except, now that I think about it, I never liked having to carry the stupid toboggan back up the hill. Then again I could get a good work out doing that :P
I've been thinking...Have I changed since September? I feel sorta different, but I'm not sure if it shows. I'm seriously frustrated. I thought I would experience some dramatic change this year. Deciding not to go to school was a big decision and I thought it would have some huge affect on me. Apparently not. I still have hope though! Now I'm thinking that I need way more time than I thought (which is the frustrating part of it). There's no way I can recover from high school in just a couple of months. Not when I was so shut down and anxious, like SO anxious, for four long years. It's like the lyrics "It's gonna take time, a whole lotta precious time, it's gonna take patience and time..." in that George Harrison song that Lee once showed me, "I've Got My Mind Set On You" except instead of me trying to get some girl I'm just trying to feel better :P You know it's probably gonna take me a lot of money too...George Harrison definitely had it right!
Anywho, this blog is late already so...till next time!
Evie
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