Sad Panda

Today I am a sad and confused panda. The weather matches my mood, it's pouring out. I've got some intense acoustics going on from the rain hammering down on my roof and windows. It's cool I guess. I kinda like rain...Woah, sidetracked. That's not the reason I'm a sad panda. I am a sad panda because all of the little things are getting to me. By next week people's lives will have changed. Friends will be experiencing the craziness that is Frosh week. They'll meet new friends, people i don't know. People I'll just hear about and maybe meet fleetingly if I go to visit. They'll start going to classes that are all advanced and stuff and be really smart while I stay at home, staring at the ceiling. Cuz that's probs what I'll end up doing.
Is this what taking a year off is really like? Unlike the pretty images painted for me by teachers, guidance councilors, parents, even siblings? I don't feel enlightened yet. When do I experience my epiphany? The one that's supposed to show me what I really want to do with my life? Where is my magical mentor who's supposed to tell me what to do, how to be happy? Where is the guy who's supposed to make me realize how much fun life can be and how to be carefree? WHERE? There is no epiphany is there? No mentor, no one to give me advice, no special guy made just for me. It's sad isn't it? I'm stuck here on my own. 'Here' being this phase of my life where nothing goes right and where self-esteem and confidence are greatly lacking.
I secretly believe that confidence is the key to everything. And it makes sense too; if I had confidence I could totally get a job that I liked AND I could enjoy making friends there. If I had confidence I might even be going to University right now AND I would enjoy Frosh week, making friends right and left. If I had confidence I could be planning an awesome trip to some country I'd never seen in my life regardless of the fact that I don't know the language. I could be so much happier IF I had confidence.
You know, I wasn't born confidence-less. I used to be ignorant of judgments, or at least more ignorant than I am now. But I grew up in a home where judgment was heavy in the atmosphere and I guess I'm a softy because I took it personally. I grew up thinking everyone was as hard on me as I was myself. Criticizing my every move. In a single conversation I could be worried about where I was placing my hands; 'If I cross my arms they'll think I don't want to be here' or 'Omg that joke was terrible they must think I'm so boring' and I was always...well I guess I still am so worried about people just thinking I'm not ENOUGH. Not funny enough, fun enough, smart enough, brave enough, strong enough, just. not. good. enough. Realistically I don't think anyone was that hard on me...except for me. Thinking like that all the time doesn't exactly inspire confidence in one's self. I can't stop myself either, it's this constant stream of insults aimed at myself every time I'm in public. I wish I could flip a switch or something, just turn it off somehow, it would make my life just that much easier. High school was...difficult to say the least. Walking down the hallway was a trauma by itself let alone deciding who to sit beside at lunch or raising my hand in class. Now THERE's something that didn't happen very often. I'm glad high school is over. It's nice to see a back-to-school commercial and remember that I don't have to go back to school. I'll be safe at home. Not happy, but safe from my imagined judgments from the people around me. Now I'm just stuck with myself, the harshest judge of all. Excellent. What a way to build confidence.
I may go crazy this year. Maybe that'll convince my parents to get me a pet. If I'm still sane by next week you'll hear from me again!
Evie

ps. If I had an unlimited budget and could shop anywhere I'd choose PARIS. During one of the sale seasons when everything is ridiculously priced (as in ridiculously low). I'd buy everything I could get my hands on including the occasional croissant...chocolate or not :P