A year. An entire year went by. I suppose it feels like it's been a while since I was in school. In fact it sorta feels like I've been living the way I have this year forever.
This year has been the biggest change in my life. It was the first year in my memory that I wasn't going to school at all or had any dance classes. I had no obligations, no responsibility and no structure. At times, when I'm feeling not so good, I get anxious and I feel guilty thinking that I wasted my year, a whole year of my life gone and I didn't do one productive thing with it. Look at me, I gained weight, I stopped dancing, I stopped going to school, I didn't have any sort of income from a job and I almost stopped going outside for a while. I would spend entire days inside just reading or watching TV or playing the piano. I spent hundreds, maybe even thousands of dollars of my parents money on therapy and I'm still an anxious wreck who can't even get a job. I've barely changed at all. But then I remember the therapy sessions when I came out feeling genuinely happy even euphoric, I remember all the fun I had with you guys and our other friends just hanging out or making spontaneous plans (something I rarely did before this year - too stressful), and I realize how much healthier I am emotionally this year. I needed this time, I still do. When I was still in school I used to wake up every morning feeling like crying. Now when I wake up, yeah sometimes it's a little scary not having anything to do, but at least I know if I'm having a bad day I can talk to someone about it and I don't have to go to school because I knew I couldn't handle another whole year of stress and anxiety and depression again.
I've sort of come to realize that this emotional journey or whatever you want to call it that I'm going through is never 'over', it's like this ongoing process of finding out what I like and what I want out of life. It's about me. As selfish as that sounds (you know being selfish can be healthy sometimes :P), it's all about me. Really it's amazing how much better I feel now than even a couple of months ago. I know it's hard for anyone else to understand exactly how big the difference is, you'd have to be in my skin, but I really want to trust myself and the feeling I have that this year was worth it. That finding more of myself, uncovering these opinions I didn't even know I had, and trying to let myself feel more was right for me. Who would know better than me? No one else lived this year for me, only I can say if it worked for me.....and I say it did.
So yea, a whole year of self-discovery, therapy, time with my family, hanging out with friends and lots of time with just me (which could be a little disconcerting at times :P). What a year.
I'm glad it happened and that I was able to share some of it with you guys!
As for the future, I'm not really sure what I want to do. I think all that I can handle right now is...well, what happens right now. I have dreams - going to university, getting a job someday, and if we're thinking big doing some writing or working in film somehow - but trying to figure out what I want to do just in the next few weeks or days feels like a lot so, I think I'll stick with that for now :P
See ya next week!
Evie :)
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